Flame Lighter

Flame Lighter. What is it? Who is it? I do believe this is a term that I have created and it has shaped the way in which I function each and every day.

Something to know about me is that I tend to have animated visuals in my head of social interactions. Those of you in your early 30’s that watched the Lizzie McGuire sitcom in early 2001, can get an idea of what I am trying to explain here.  In the sitcom, Lizzie McGuire had a little animated vision of what was happening or going to happen.  Basically, an animated thought bubble would pop up and play out her thoughts as a little cartoon. This is me. I do this! Ha!

In life I envision everyone having a “flame”. Some flames blaze large, some are very small, and some at times are even out. The ideology behind this thought is a visual of someone’s spirit or well-being. When I interact with people, I create a visual in my head, of what I believe their flame size to be. I read them, so to say.

If someone’s flame is blazing large I would consider them to be someone who is overall happy, despite the daily challenges he or she faces.  He or she would also be someone who has the ability to “light” others— as they should. When I picture a flame that is out, you could easily give the animated visual of the character Sadness from the movie Inside Out. Someone who appears possibly depressed. Stick with me as I move through trying to explain this idiom of mine. I have a very personal experience that puts this into perfect visual drama for you, but that will come later. 

I mentioned quickly above that those with large flames have the ability to light others- and that they should. But the question is, how do you generate a large flame? Is it something you inherit at birth? Is it the luck of the draw? I do believe the answer can sometimes be yes to those two questions, but I also believe that the way to turn a “normal” sized flame into a blazing flame is to be a flame lighter. The idea being, that your own flame can only gain strength by helping others- or by lighting others flames. The visual you should see here, is leaning into another person’s hypothetical flame with yours and lending light. 

But how do you get there? How do you get to a point where you can give to others? In our days, we run from one thing to the next.  Most people are so exhausted, somedays barely getting by.  The truth is, it is hard to be a flame lighter if your own cup is empty. So start working on yourself first.

Here are a few areas in which work can be done first, in order to gain personal strength for your own flame. 

In a digital world where we spend so many hours of our days swiping up to see what is new in everyone else’s lives, my first suggestion is to spend less time watching other people live their lives and spend more time enjoying your own. Seriously! How can you ever fill your own cup up if you are wasting hours, precious moments, just watching others live out their best lives?

My next piece of advice is to be empathetic. Everyone around you is fighting a battle you know nothing about. So many people choose judgment over kindness.  We judge others’ choices so easily, but truthfully, how can judgments be made when we do not even know the options that someone else had to choose from? I truly believe that learning to be empathetic and choosing to deploy empathy every day reshapes your heart and will lead you to a happier life.

Next up, and possibly the most important— It will never matter what others think of you.  It will only matter what YOU think of you. Do you like who you are? Do you try your hardest to serve a true and good purpose in your daily steps? Are you intentional with your interactions and time at work? What about at home? Are you making moral choices in your everyday interactions? The day I put my own opinion of myself first was the first day to a happier life. You should try it.

If you want to keep your flame blazing so that you can share it with others, you must have boundaries. Without boundaries, snuffers will suck the life out of you.  What is a snuffer, you might ask? If you are unfamiliar with the term- in real life, the literal term snuffer is the tool that is used to put a flame out— intentionally. In life, some people will see your giving spirit as a weakness and will try to take advantage of you, only to ultimately snuff the life right out of you. Draw your line with others and don’t back up from that line. 

Last, but certainly not least— love others without an agenda. People grow when they are well-loved. If you want to be a flame lighter, you need to love without an agenda. Help others even when you know they can’t help you back. That is the true definition of a flame lighter- loving with no intentions of return. As Denzel Washington once said in an interview, “In the end, it’s not about what you have or even what you’ve accomplished. It’s about who you’ve lifted up, who you’ve made better. It’s about what you’ve given back.”

Now as promised earlier, I have a personal experience that paints the most perfect picture of this flame lighter phrase I am trying to explain. For starters, I promise I will not continue bringing up 2020, but it was a very impactful year (at least for me) and this story comes from July 2020. If you are reading this and know me personally, sorry for the extra detail that you already know, but if you don’t know me I have a few details to explain first. To preface this story, I want you to know I am in fact a rule follower. I really am. But I also have a spine and will push against things that I don’t feel in my heart are what is truly best for those around me. 

In March of 2020, when the pandemic hit, we as child care centers were not given much direction on how to handle this situation. As you can imagine, no one, even those in governing offices had any idea what was happening or going to happen.  We were given new room ratios and the rest of the rules we followed were created by what we thought was best. We changed a lot and we operated very strangely for the safety of those within our walls. 

One thing we did NOT initially do was wear masks.  If you remember, at first we were told that “if you are wearing a mask and taking them from hospital workers you are selfish”. Also in my field, I think keeping things as normal as possible for these kids is what is most important. I think language development weighs heavily upon being able to see the mouth move and see visual expressions on one’s face.  I still feel this way. 

So then, in May of 2020, our governing agency for our field said masks must be worn by staff when serving meals and at drop off and pick up.  SO we did just that, no more and no less. The pressure was coming from the public health department for masks to be worn 24/7 while at work by staff and children two and older. Mind you, at this point in June when this pressure was coming, only maybe three people in our entire county had tested positive for COVID-19 since the lockdown happened in March. The threat felt very low. However, to mask our staff and to mask the kids felt like a huge threat.  A threat to their normalcy.  Norms that I was going to stand strong against. 

The only threat that could force me to mask our kids within our walls was going to be the threat of shutting our business down.  On July 6, 2020 that threat came down my pipeline.  I spoke on the phone for 8 hours that day all the way up the command chain at Public Health and tried to argue my point of view on the matter.  A viewpoint I was and still am very passionate about.  Had COVID-19 been active and high in our area, this would not have been such a battle for me. I always do what is best for the children within our walls. So for me, making the announcement at 8:00PM on that July 6th date felt like one of the largest defeats for me as a business owner and leader for these children. 

I went home and I was numb.  My kids and my husband were waiting for me to come into the door as they knew the day I had had and what I had been through.  I felt the life had been sucked right out of me. I had lost.  I had stood and fought the good fight and they kicked the only legs I was standing on right out from under me.

The feeling is quite frankly unexplainable.  This one incident made me question so much about everything and it spiraled in an unfriendly direction.  I was ready to wave my white flag and say “I’m done.” I put my kids to bed that night and cried to my husband. Which, if you don’t know me, I’m not a crier. Like, never ever… so, me crying is an uncomfortable position for my husband to be in, because it quite frankly means something is really wrong. All he could tell me is, “You have to keep fighting through this, the kids, the staff, the families- they need you. You can do it!”.

I went to bed for the very first time in a long time feeling as if my flame was so dim that it may barely be lit, I was so numb. I said a vicious prayer, like no prayer I have ever said before, basically begging the Lord above to ignite my spirit, as I was feeling so incredibly defeated.  I knew the next morning was possibly going to be even worse than the day I had just experienced.  I questioned how I was going to remain strong for it.

I woke up the next morning and got to work very early wearing my new cloth of shame across what was once my mood influencer for my coworkers, and the kids… my smile. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I remember entering the building and my coworkers were handling it way better than I was. Many already had mask signs put up, you know the ones with characters made for kids, to normalize this phenomenon. I started feeling optimistic, like okay… this is going to be okay.

That feeling didn’t last long though.  A few of our 4-year old kids dropped off, and they are near and dear to my heart, and they were losing it.  They were crying, clinging to their parents and also wearing their new cloth of shame too. They were scared to death, so confused.  I felt so angry. So mad at the world.  So mad that these children were being put through this. How could we be here? How could this be what is best for them? I fought so hard to hold back tears to be strong for them… even though their outward expression was how I felt on the inside.

One of the little boys that was the most hysteric, is a child of a parent that I grew up with. I locked eyes with him over our masks as I took his child from him. I could read the fear, sadness, and anger in his eyes. This dad felt what I felt. It hit me.  We are in this together.  We have no choice, we have to do this. So I felt a tiny part of my flame flicker. The part of me that perseveres and realizes that sometimes we just have to make the best of it. I swooped this little boy up and turned on the heroes wear masks song and danced with him. Behind my mask were a few fear tears streaming down my face. I quickly realized that the boy’s mood was shifting.  He was feeling the song.  He was a hero suddenly.  I was too. 

The other teachers in the room were dancing with the other kids dropping in, trying to make them believe this could be fun.  It was what we made it. I knew the teachers were being positive, not just for the kids, but for me.  They knew how big of a defeat this was for me because I stood so strongly against it. As I walked down the hall and would run into other rooms, every teacher was reassuring me that the kids were handling this better than any of us ever imagined.  These words of affirmation and them checking to make sure I was okay— these are the moments that I realized I could feel them “leaning in to give me part of their flame.”  I went to my office only to have so many emails and voicemails from parents thanking me and the staff for how we were handling this first day of mask-wearing. Also acknowledging and appreciating my long stance against it, for as long as I could.

Suddenly my flame was blazing. I was back. I was back and possibly stronger than before. I suddenly felt like all of the flame lighting I have done in my life was being paid back, and it was plentiful and beautiful and needed….needed more than anyone knew. 

In conclusion, if your flame is dim, try to fill up your own cup. Do what makes you happy.  Stop caring what others think of you. Set boundaries against snuffers and those that want to suffocate the life right out of you. If your flame is steady or possibly blazing—remember that you have nothing to lose by being a flame lighter, only everything to gain. A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. 

Maria