Incredible Cook

So it has been a joke in my family that I can not and will not ever be able to safely cook ever since I caught a grilled cheese on fire in my early teens, circa 2002.  Yes… I caught a grilled cheese on fire.  The women in my family like to get things done in a hurry so we like to “flash cook”.  This means flames coming up over the sides of the pan you are using— just so you know it’s as hot as it can truly get! Well I made a wonky flip of the spatula and my grilled cheese landed in the flames and BAM….its all history from there! (Yes it’s okay to laugh—at me.)

I have had many cooking catastrophes since then including the time a few years ago that I was cooking bacon in the oven on a flat pan and the grease spilled over the edges and caught on fire in the bottom of the oven… I was so panicked I turned everything off and took my kids to the backyard and called Trey and told him I needed help ASAP. 

To fight the odds of me never going down in history as the family cook, I have continued to try over the years.  I have had a lot of success, but also screwed a lot up as well.  I have even dreamt of publishing a cookbook someday with family recipes and/or ones that I have discovered along the way.  (Someday, maybe!) Today is not the day though….haha….

We purchased a camper in early 2021 to beat the prices of hotels for travel sports.  We did the math and realized it would be a fantastic investment— and I am happy to report that between March and June of 2021 we have made 15 payments on our camper using money we would have otherwise spent on travel weekend hotels for sports.  NOW, don’t let me get too far off-topic here— but I must say that this is a very nice camper. It has a full kitchen, truly beautiful!

We are in Branson, MO for dance nationals. Not going to lie, Trey usually does all of the cooking.  I do it minimally; it just works best for our family.  He cooks and while he is cooking I handle the kids, laundry, extra workload,etc.  So naturally, while we have been camping, he has cooked every single meal.  I thought one morning that I would be nice and whip up breakfast while Trey was sleeping in.  So let me set the dramatic scene of what is about to take place for you…

The camper is a 42ft long 5th wheel, so it has a nice and roomy kitchen positioned in the middle of the camper.  My kids are awake- all sitting on the couch watching cartoons in the front of the camper, all while Trey is sleeping in, in the back of the camper.  Mind you he never sleeps in.  If you have never cooked in a camper before, it is important to note that there are some differences from a regular kitchen.  Many space-saving features, but also the knobs on the oven are different too.  Ours specifically has a button you have to push to activate the lighter? Maybe… I think… then there is a knob that clicks to release gas for a burner. BUT for the burner to ignite you must also turn a knob designating which burner it is that you want to light.  So it’s a simple 3 step process, and I was shown this once… (it’s okay to breathe a sense of suspense here with me, haha..)

So here we are… I decide I’m going to make a ham and cheese omelet for everyone.  Feeling like a great little mom and housewife, I get to chopping up the ham, I scramble the eggs, and now I turn to face the beast—the stove that is…. I push the button, turn the knob to the burner I wanted, and turn the gas knob, and voila! There is flame under the little glass top.  I’m so proud of myself.  So I put the cut-up ham in the pan and I’m using a spoon-shaped utensil to move it around while it’s frying because we are camping, and I couldn’t find the spatula. 

I turn to face the stove again and this time I do the same process for another burner so I can start cooking the eggs. I kid you not, the following could have been a true traumatic disaster/accident, but instead, we are going to make it a laughable matter because I walked away completing unscathed. (I do not take it lightly that I walked away just fine either, mind you…)  I push and turn the knob of the burner I want, I turn the gas knob again, and BOOM! The pretty glass top I was cooking on literally exploded in my face. The ham went everywhere, millions of glass pieces on my clothes and all over the kitchen— some of which were melted and stuck to the backsplash and countertop.  I shut everything off immediately because I didn’t want any more fire when there was clearly just an explosion.  My kids are fully alert and watching from the living room.  I yell “Go get your Dad!” Bexley, of all of the children, runs to the back bedroom and says “Dad there is an emergency!!” He comes flying into the kitchen looking like a ghost and he said, “OH MY GOD, what happened?” I said… the cooktop exploded! He looks at me in disbelief and said….. wait for it…… “Maria, you cooked on that glass top?” “YES!” I said. He said “That is not a cooktop! It was a glass stove cover to save space/create countertop space when you are not using the stove!”

Oh my lanta…… I felt every thought— What a dummy, oh this is hilarious, oh my goodness I’m so lucky I’m not a burn victim right now!…. So naturally, I looked at him and said, “Well damn… that would have been nice to know”.  Beau, looking over from the couch, snickers a little at the comical sense turning in the air. Trey said, “Jesus, I feel sick from jumping out of bed so quickly…. A man can’t even sleep in!”…. Laughter consumed the whole camper at this point.  Many “mom can’t cook” jokes and comments were made by my oldest two kids, an hour of cleaning everything up, and me summarizing by telling my husband that he can’t have it all…. I can’t be good-looking, smart, patient, and a good cook. Tongue and cheek of course, haha….

Luckily this was just a silly story I was able to add to my cooking catastrophes and was not a life-altering incident.  Needless to say, this is why I fear new cooking methods! I can’t even begin to tell you how scared of the pressure cooker I am, fancy grills with open flames, etc.  

Upon clean-up, I offered to take the family to Bob Evans, where the ham isn’t stuck to the ceiling and the eggs don’t have glass in them. I will continue to say my cooking is incredible… just sometimes the ‘cr’ is silent.