“You Can’t Have It All”

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was sitting in my class as a Senior in college at the University of Illinois and I jokingly was whining to my TA (a TA is a teachers assistant for professors at the university level). I was whining about how I loved being a college student and everything that came with it, but I was also really sick of being broke, wished there was a better balance of time to see my fiancé more, and sick of studying deadlines, etc.  I then said, however I love going out on Green Street basically every night, living quite freely, and making some of the best memories with my college roommates from the last four years.  He looked at me quite frankly and said,  “Welcome to life, you can’t have it all….”.  

I can’t have it all?….. I know this sounds bad, but that did not settle well with me.  I grew up in a household that quite frankly told me every day that I could do anything I put my mind to, and in an essence I pictured my future as having it all.  Having it all meant many things to me— emotional things as well as physical. When you think of having it all what do you think? For me at 22 years old it meant to soon be married, have a college Bachelors Degree, have a career I loved, to have babies, healthy ones at that, to be close to my family and Trey’s family, to have great girlfriends that I could spend time with, have a pet or two, travel, and dang— maybe even have some money!!   

What is funny in life is we always want what we are currently not experiencing.. or what we don’t currently have.  For example- ask 99% of women with curly hair- they wish they had straight hair.  Ask a woman with straight hair, she wants curly hair.  Ask a skinny girl, she wishes she had some natural curve to her body.  Ask the curvy girl, she wishes she could lose a few pounds and be skinnier.  Maybe this is more natural for women, or maybe women just tend to express themselves more.  

I think this tends to be true in stages of life.  When you’re 10, you can’t wait to be “older” so no one can tell you what to do.  Finally you get to 16 and your 10 year old self would be on top of the world, but then you can’t wait to be 18 so you can move out and truly be in charge of yourself and not have a curfew.  You get to 18, and man your 16 year old self would be screaming “FREEDOM!!!”, yet you then can’t wait to be 21, because then you are truly an adult— you can drink and not get in trouble for it! You get to 21, and… yea you get the idea here.  

Once you’re tailing the end of college, it stops being more about “age milestones” and more about “life milestones”.  I feel like being on the other side of my 30’s and my kids no longer being babies I have a new found perspective on “having it all”, and I wanted to talk about it.  For me being at the end of college, living my glory days of not a care in the world, and quite frankly being stupid drunk most nights of the week— I was ready to settle down.  Trey and I were coming up on our wedding day in May of the same year I was graduating from college, and I sometimes would long for the soon to be days where we would be nestled up in our soon to be cozy little apartment, laying in bed early, detoxing from the last year of my life, haha. 

Then you know you get into the routine and you love it! You really do… but get 4 years into it, and you love your marriage and your two little kids, but you start to feel a little lonely on the friend spectrum. Suddenly you long for that life 4-5 years before where you were wild and free. Sure I would still get to see my friends, but it was maybe once or twice a year, and honestly that going out times just weren’t the same as they were pre-kids. Why? Well, once you’re a mom you are always thinking of those kids.  You know you have to get up with them the next morning, and when you are no longer a seasoned drinker, those hangovers hit much harder… sometimes lasting more than 48 hours….haha. (pathetic- my 21 year old U of I Senior self would be so ashamed lol). BUT, you all know what I’m talking about. So you (meaning me) try making some new local friends, but they just are not the same as your die hard true girlfriends you did elementary-college with. HOW LUCKY, I was to have had that, to where I knew that the “new” friends I was trying to make just were not comparable at that point in time. 

Then, in those early years of young kids and marriage, you’re (meaning me) still broke, but now with more financial responsibilities.  But life is simple, and you’re happy, truly so blessed with healthy babies and a happy marriage, but you long for more financial freedom— and possibly more ‘friend fun’. 

You near your thirties, your career is thriving, your marriage rocks, finances are great, you have the family you always wanted, and you finally have found those post-college mom friends you were looking for in your early twenties after college, but you’re so wrapped up in raising kids you wish you had more “me time”… maybe even more time to “date your husband”, and maybe more time to see and talk to your friends — the new ones and the old ones, time to go out with just your mom.  You see what I’m saying here. 

NOW, at 32 years old, 10 years into my marriage, and our youngest child being two— I can tell you I have perspective about “having it all”.  

I truly believe that we can have everything in this life that we want, just not all at once.

Think about it.  We live SO many different lives within just one life time.  Who you are at 15, or 21, or 28, or 32, or 40, 50, 65… are all so different.  We CAN have it all, and many of us DO.. just not all at once, and that’s okay.  The seasons bring different abundances to our lives.  Instead of seeing the shortage of that season, we should focus on that seasons’s abundance. 

So this blog is for the mama going through it… wishing for one thing, but truly having so much of another thing. ENJOY IT. You have what someone else wants.  You are living the life someone else would die for.  Are you 19 with not a care in the world? Wear that questionable outfit out, share it on social media.. us 30 year old moms are not judging… we are silently nodding in acknowledgment at what stage of life you are in.  We were there once too, just didn’t have social media to show the rest of the world.. but those on Green Street that night at that point in life sure did get to see it.  Are you a Senior in college? Girl make that bucket list— do all things crazy, dance on those bars, drink every night (but get good grades 😉 )…. Because you only get every phase of life once.  Are you the mama that longed for a baby and now you are currently drowning in some self sorrows because your hair is on top of your head, you can’t remember the last time you showered, and you haven’t seen your friends in God knows when? Enjoy it.  There will be other times for friends and more showers and more me time, but there won’t be more time with that little baby.  Do you long for the trip with your husband that you saw someone else show on Facebook? It will come, with time, when your small children don’t need you every second around the clock. Do you long for a clean home? Like the picture perfect ones on instagram? Likely the woman posting that would long to have your messy home, because it would mean she has the children you have that she so desperately desires. Or flip to the perspective of the men out there– the dads. Are you suddenly feeling like you are sitting on the sidelines and not getting much attention from your wife? Because she is so incredibly focused on raising your beautiful children? Honestly, take that benched seat. Watch her do her thing and be the best mom she can be, and take her when you get the last bit of her that is left at the end of the day. It too is a short season, and then you will have forever with her. Ask any married man, if he were to tell you the truth, he would tell you that he too has went through this phase– and most importantly– that it was worth it.  

Be patient with your life, enjoy every phase, cherish every step, know its uniquely yours. Sometimes seasons of waiting, could be a season worth cherishing. 

No Winter lasts forever, and no Spring skips its turn.